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Spores of fear

In one moment I am soaring. 

“You’ve been accepted into the respiratory program,” the email says.  The testing, prerequisite classes, interview and obnoxiously long waiting period has finally payed off with that one sentence.  I received the news while walking out of the BLS (basic lifesaving/CPR) class I was taking for work and even though there were still people taking a test a whoop escapes my mouth.  With a grin and a quick sorry to those still working I make my way out into the hallway and begin making calls to tell my loved ones.  I finally got in!  I have an end date!  I am going to be able to have a living wage!  My heart swells.

Then comes the fear.

I am so excited and a small thought pops into my head.  “You better not fail.”  From that one spore grows overwhelming self-doubt that threatens to take away everything I have worked toward.  It will start with something small like putting off getting a shot that I will need so that I can go on clinical rotations.  Then it will bloom into bigger forms of self-sabotage.  I’ll do that homework tomorrow.  Do I really need to go to this class?  I’m just so tired.

In one moment I am soaring.

My floor manager pulls me aside to ask me about the new person I am training.  I tell her how impressed I have been with her, seeing her adjust to various obstacles in our day and rolling on to get all of our daily tasks completed.  My manager smiles and says, “It’s because of you, you know.  You’ve done such a good job training that her success shows how good of a mentor you are.  Good job, Daniel.”  My heart swells.  I am being recognized!  My hard work is being seen!

Then comes the fear.

“Yeah, but if they really watched you, they would know the truth.”  The spore takes hold and the poisonous thoughts start to grow.  “You get your tasks done but do you really go beyond that?  I know that you are lazy.  You are a fraud!”  It whispers into my mind.

So why do I share these thoughts with you, you may be asking.  Allow me to explain.  Many of you know that I am a nursing assistant at a local hospital and I am often exposed to many infectious diseases.  Some of my patients have infections that can easily be transmitted though touch which is why they may be put on isolation precautions.  We are required to wear personal protective gear and wash and disinfect ourselves and any equipment that we use in that room.  When the patient is discharged and the housekeeping team comes in to clean, the rooms with the toughest infections may be exposed to a machine that fills the room with UV light.  The UV light causes the infectious germs and spores to die, sanitizing the room and making it safe for its next patient.  My fears are like these infectious spores.  If I try to ignore them, they will bloom causing every achievement and complement to be infected with self-doubt and fear, quietly sucking out any joy in my life, but like an infectious spore, these thoughts cannot survive in the light.  I share my fears with you because by exposing them they lose some of its strength.  I will never be free from all my fears, I am human, but I don’t have to deal with them alone.

My friends, don’t allow fear to paralyze, infect and destroy you.  Find someone to share it with.  Drag that infectious bastard into the light and remove its power to stop you.  Let’s go soaring!

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