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Five things I learned this week about being a dad

I consider myself to be a good dad.  I am around, I help with homework, and I generally like to be with my kids, but I am constantly trying to be better.


I regularly screw up, so I try to learn from my mistakes.
I regularly get things right, so I try to learn from my triumphs.

Here are five things I've learned recently.


  1. Laugh with your kids.  This week we were making Christmas lists when my daughter said she wanted to get me a "butt that will fart on daddy."  I know!  Gross right?  My son though that was hilarious and they have been laughing about that for days now.  Laughing with them (even when it is disgusting and slightly inappropriate) validates that they are worthwhile.  We all like to be funny and to get a response from those we care about.  Laugh with them, even if the joke doesn't make sense.
  2. Think about what it looks like to others.  This week one of my biggest screw ups was when we were out shopping at CVS.  The kids were very active and I was becoming frustrated.  When Courtney and I got to the checkout, it felt as though the kids went berserk.  They got loud and they wouldn't listen.  I asked them to step back from the counter so we could check out and when they ignored me I used my arm to "escort" them back.  Of course, Mia fell and upon reflection I realized it must look like I shoved her down.  Oops.  It is moments like this that make me feel like I fail at being a father.  I wasn't trying to push her and in fact I wasn't even upset.  I just was trying to put the stuff on the counter, but to the long line of people behind us, I was the example of "why some people shouldn't have kids."  I looked like a bully.  I left Courtney to pay and took the two oldest out to the car with my head held down.  Remember that others don't know what happened before you got to the store, restaurant, or park.  They only see what is happening at the time.
  3. Respect your children's fears.  It is so easy to blow off the ridiculous fears of my children.  We were watching a kid movie this week when Levi (my 4 year old) started freaking out because wolves were chasing some of the good guys.  I put my arm around him and held him close.  He covered his ears but would not look away.  I urge all dads to take any opportunity to comfort your kids.  When I did, it showed him that his feelings are real. but more importantly, that he could come to me when he was scared.  Twice since that day Levi has asked me to sit close to him when he was nervous. Everyone (especially kids) needs to have a safe place to go when they feel scared, and it feels especially good when you are the safe place. 
  4. Show your kids that you are human.  I have to admit that I sometimes can become unhinged.  I have tendencies for obsessive compulsive behavior as well as anxiety.  This erupted the other evening when we were in Target.  Both children decided that they needed to use the restroom and twenty five minutes later I needed to be done.  They were washing their hands (with far too much soap) when I was overcome with the need to get out of the restroom.  The kids could tell that something was wrong and I was proud that I didn't snap at them when I told them we needed to dry our hands and go.  Upon finally leaving, I asked them to give me a few minutes of quiet as we went to search for Courtney.  So often as parents we try to hide what is wrong or bury our feelings so deep that our kids are placed in a bubble where everything is always fine, happy, and pink.  I am not saying you should have arguments in front of your kids, but allow them to see you deal with stress, because they will see you when you slip up.  Allowing them to see you in stressful situations will create the opportunity to discuss how to deal with problems in their own lives.
  5. Focus on the things that matter to you.  I've noticed that my dreams have changed since I was a kid.  When I was young the demon vampire clowns or giant spiders were always chasing me.  Now my nightmares are about my kids and my wife getting hurt or taken away.  I had a dream where my family had to escape a dangerous situation.  We had just gotten free when Mia yelled that the monsters were giving Seth kisses.  I ran to find some man-lizard had bitten my toddler and two others were trying to kidnap Levi.  I jerked awake in a panic and had to check to make sure everyone was sleeping in their beds.  I reflected over this later that day and realized what really matters to me now is my family.  There will always be dangers in this world and I may not always be around to protect my family but I sure as heck can be present now.  Spend time with the people that matter to you (or a man-lizard may take them away).
Good luck out there,
D. A. Acevedo

Twitter: @iamthebbqking

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 1, 2013 at 5:06 AM

    I'm so proud that you are my grandchildren's father, Daniel. Excellent post!!

    ReplyDelete

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